February 26, 2009

Tonight I am feeling scattered, a little upset, and strained. I am going to write what comes to mind, as it comes to mind, so I apologise if it doesn’t make sense. I do trust, however, that some inner wisdom will rise up at some point, because that is the way of all things.

I had an incredibly peaceful twenty four hours leading up to about 4pm this afternoon. Dan was able to take Bodhi to the park for half an hour during his break, so I was able to have a chai in my favourite cafe and read a magazine. I rarely find the opportunity to do these things (which I acknowledge is my own responsibility), and relished in my me time (Oooh! Feelings of calm returning slightly).

Bodhi had an emotional meltdown last night at around 10pm, which I believe was disconnection related, and I was able to remain with and exude peace as I helped lull him back to calm and joy. He cried vehemently for almost an hour in my arms, breastfeeding intermittently, but mainly just being held, as I talked soothingly to him and created an atmosphere of peace (obviously I attended to any possible physical needs first). I was able to connect with my instinct and the collective wisdom of the ages, and we ended up curled up together on the bean bag, cuddling, reconnected, and totally at peace.

The difference in his mood was palpable today. We engaged each other with ease, my mindset was empathic, and we shared a lovely morning together. He and I were both full of joy.

I laid down with him for his nap today, and instead of falling asleep, I allowed myself simply to rest. I spent a long time watching him, stroking and cuddling him (and the cat that accompanied us) and then closed my eyes and visualised some beautiful things in our future. I let my mind wander and, in the quiet, was open to a few insights from the universe.

After our nap, we made a picnic of salad wraps, carrot and cheese sticks and hummus, and met Dan at the park during his break. Again, lovely, sustaining the peaceful mood.

Bodhi and I went home to collect Mum, as we were planning on having a walk around Kooloongbung Creek to feed the ducks and show Bodhi where the flying foxes that fly over our house each evening (he is fascinated with them and faithfully waits for them every night).

My mood started to sour. Bodhi and I started to disconnect again. He wanted to stray off the path, and I didn’t let him (apart from respecting the fragility of the ecosystems off the path, there were a number of visible funnel web holes). When he was in the carrier, he picked at the moles at the back of my neck, which was a source of discomfort to say the least. Mum’s comments started to annoy me. The mosquitoes irritated me.

On the way home, I reversed the car into a pole, and decided to get takeaway for dinner, a decision that I rued later as it wasn’t showing me and Bodhi’s bodies the respect and nurturing they deserve.

I continued to be in an annoyed mood all evening, and whilst trying to put Bodhi to bed, he bit me. I yelped in pain, which scared him and made him cry, and all that stress came back. I attempted to sooth him, but he bit me a second time, and kept his teeth clamped down (on my already grazed nipple, no less!) and I was crying in pain, which of course sent him into absolute meltdown, exacerbated by the fact that mum had to take him as I was doubled over in pain.

I eventually took him for a drive to help calm him- the quiet, dark and smooth movements are a balm to both our souls- and he is now in bed. I feel, however, dissatisfied, as he fell asleep without us reconnecting.

I feel at this point it would be useful to list the insights that have come up for me in the last day.

  • Bodhi’s birth trauma is still unresolved, and manifesting in a strong need to be in my presence (both spatially and psychically), and my instinct tells me the principles of attachment parenting will serve us well here.
  • Whilst the birth trauma and neonatal separation from me is manifesting in him as a need to have me around, the separation between him and Dan (not only from being in special care, but also hospital protocol of Dan not being able to stay with us overnight), is manifesting in avoidant attachment when stressed;
  • The universe is always sending us an abundance of messages, whether we choose to hear them or not. There is much oppunity for me to live a richer, deeper life if I allow myself to be connected with myself, my child, other people and the universe around me
  • Other people can be a divine tool of the universe for growth
  • Despite how a child is born, be it peacefully or violently, with respect for birth or with a need to medicalise it, the spiritual reality is the same: the mother (and father) is bringing a new soul into this plane. Birth is sacred, however it happens.
  • Love wins. Trauma will never conquer love. LOVE WINS.
  • Focusing in on physical pain, allowing it, and experiencing it, can greatly reduce it’s severity, as the energy of fighting it can be redirected into healing. Also, a big drink of water and natural remedies that work with the body and with the cause- rather than mask symptoms- can be miraculous.
  • I do not treat my body with respect. Furthermore, there in great incongruence between my level of soul wisdom, and the way I treat  my body- an extension of divinity.
  • I am redirecting much psychic (and by that, I mean of the psyche and inner self, not of clairvoyance) energy and responsibility into blaming others, and allowing other’s negative thinking (or my perception of it being negative thinking, at least) to dictate my own mood. This, I choose to stop, in this moment. I would rather- and do- see myself surrounded by love and light than whingy cloudiness.
  • The power is in the present moment, and the present moment creates my future. I choose peace, love and depth.

I feel a little placated now. Not entirely so, but a little. My plan is to listen to my body, and my current insight. I am going to have a big drink of water, close my eyes, and centre myself. I am going to embrace being for an undefined time, and allow peace to surround me. Or more accurately, I am going to allow myself to see and feel the peace that already surrounds me.

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