The Physicality of Me

July 7, 2008

I’ve been feeling a lot more comfortable about my body since having a baby. Even though I am considerably heavier, saggier, paler and often more unkempt, I feel a deeper satisfaction with my body than I have before. I think it comes down to it’s innate ability to do things. No matter what my mental state is, to a sometimes miraculous degree, it is able to just do it’s thing and keep things working.

Becoming a mama proved to me what a superb thing the female body is. It is (in most cases, and even in mine, if I had trusted it rather than The System, and gave it the honour it deserved) able to birth beautiful babies. It crafts these beautiful babies, cell by cell, from an egg and a sperm, gently, reverentially, gorgeously. My baby is sustained and fed by milk made from my body, is protected from disease by this milk, nourished and nurtured by my breasts.

There is, however a bit of conflict in the way I feel about my body. About what it does, I feel awe. About how it looks, I feel a lot less confident.

I think, if I could value myself enough to truly honour my body, nourish with good food, adequate rest (or as much as a new mama can!) and challenging, empowering and fun exercise, I would look better (and feel a lot better about all aspects of my self). But for some reason, which I’ve never really been able to pinpoint, I have never been able to get there. Good intentions quickly fall by the wayside or are overtaken by some other project.

It all comes down to self esteem and self worth I think. There is a part of me, not too dominating, but deep enough to cause considerable damage, that thinks I am worthless. This manifests in my looks I think, or at least, the way I feel about my looks.

There is a lot of work to be done here. A lot of questions to be answered. But for the moment, I feel good having given awareness to this issue, and in that, allowing the space to grow.

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